So the end of 2007 couldn't come quick enough for me. This has been a
horrible year. The death of my brother, the loss of our baby, the
financial struggles, our marriage struggles, my mom living with
me....it has all sucked. I know there is probably a better word or
term, but let's face it, my year has been effing shitty. To top off
this banner year I discovered 2 days prior to Christmas that I was
pregnant again. The line was super dark and fast to appear. I was
ecstatic. Ethan was beaming. We were going to become parents again. We
were not trying to get pregnant as I was suppose to wait one cycle from
my last m/c, but it happened. Then the day after Christmas I started to
spot. I have spotted brown a little every day since. I had a blood draw
on Thursday and myhcg was 3371, yay! I had a blood draw on Sat. and my hcg
was 3954. I cried. I begged God to let their be a baby thriving inside
of me as I drove in for my u/s. I pleaded, I promised, I cried. They
scanned my uterus and all it showed was an empty space. No baby, no
gestational sac, nothing. Just a hollow empty space. I feel betrayed
and angry. There are 3possibilities:
A: It's a very early pregnancy and
they just can't see anything yet. (This one is the least likely and is
more like grasping at straws, but it is what I keep going back to in my
mind).
B: It's a chemical pregnancy. Sperm met egg and that's where
they ended it. It never implanted. (This is the most likely scenario,
but I struggle with it b/c my numbers were so high and I know I had
bright red blood about 5 days before i got the positive test which
leads me to believe I implanted).
C: It's an ectopic pregnancy. (Also not very likely but they have me on an ectopic watch as they follow my hcg numbers. Obviously this is the one I least want and the possibility scares me).
So to cap off my banner year I have 1 dead brother and 2 dead babies. Thanks GOD, I really fucking appreciate it.
