Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

Anyone remember this tune? That is what is currently stuck in my head, although the words have changed to contraction traction what's your action? Stupid I know, but the feeling of my contractions have changed and now the frequency is picking up. But still nothing consistant so there's no need to be alarmed. I go to the doc's tomorrow, but they have not been concerned with any of my contractions. It probably is worth mentioning that my boy is at least 6 1/2 lbs by now and should be about 10lbs upon his arrival. I grow them big I guess. My sugars have been controlled so he shouldn't have any problems with that aspect when he arrives. But anyway, back to these contractions, they do freak me a little. I never went into labor with Jacob, he was induced so I'm not sure how labor would start. And then, curiousity got the better of me and I stuck a finger up into the nether regions. I had to know if I could feel my cervix. Well now I'm really confused, b/c if I feel what I think I feel it is definately my cervix. I mean it feels the same as all of those god damn months that I had my finger up my twat to see if I was fertile!! It definately feels low and soft. But do I go into the doc and say Excuse me, I was fingering my twat and I think I felt my cervix? I'll be 35 weeks on Friday and I know the doc will start internals in 2 weeks. But now I wonder if all of those months of TTC was that really my cervix I was feeling. I mean I thought I could pick out medium and low. High was always lost on me. And I definately thought I had soft, medium and firm down. Oh well, I just need this guy to cook 2 more weeks and then he's welcome to come out.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

So who came up with this crock of shit?. I hate this fucking line. I've been under a lot of stress the past few weeks, but luckily it is not affecting the bumpkin at all. So back to this crock of shit. Why exactly do I have to be stronger? I feel like I am alreadya pretty tough cookie. What the fuck does God have in store for me, if I'm being "prepped" to be even stronger? Can you tell I took a bitter pill tonight? So what is triggering my mood? Life, that's what. How fucked up and unfair it is. But "Life is not fair" - yeah, FUCK that cliche too!! Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for what I do have. I have a home (although it did burn down a year and a half ago), a loving husband, a beautiful son and another son on the way. In that sense my life is perfect, but I'm still angry. I am very angry with GOD. And the stupid catholic girl in me yells at God but then reminds Him that I am grateful for what I do just so he doesn't smite me and steal the only things in my life that mean anything to me, my husband and child. But that doesn't stop the anger. I'm mad that my brother is 45 and suffering from congestive heart failure. I'm so incredibly pissed off that my other brother was raped at age 5 and has never been able to move on with his life. I feel like he died then and all that is left is this depressed shell of a man. I hate the fact that my 3rd brother needs root canal and his mouth is infected, but because he can not come up with $1700 up front he is left to suffer and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help. I'm angry with the insurance company that is still dragging it's feet and hasn't paid us yet for our totaled truck. I hate the fact that we went to Ethan's parents for money to buy a replacement truck based on the fact that we would pay them right back as soon as the insurance came through and now we are in debt to them. I hate the fact that my parents have somehow put themself in a situation where they are now going to most likely lose their home. The home I grew up in.
The parents house issue is what set me off, but everything else has been building. I feel so aweful for my mom and step-dad. I can't believe they are really losing the house baring a miracle. My step-dad is 83 and does not deserve this. And they live in a small town and it will be published in the paper and I cannot imagine their humiliation. I hate it. They will leave town, but I don't know where they will be able to go where they can afford a place. And Ethan told his dad what was going on and his dad went off. He told E he had enough to take care of his family he couldn't start taking care of his wife's too. We never asked for help with my family. E's dad is a lawyer and E just thought he might have some advice. I have never asked for money from those people(other than to replace the truck, but I really thought we would be able to pay them back in a few weeks), although I have accepted it. I've scraped up enough money to pay them $1000 back for now. They'll have to wait until Ethan starts up his job again in April to get regular payments. Did I mention E is unemployed?
And you know what makes everything worse? I'm stuck wondering why we were trying to get pregnant so bad. Do I get the horrible mommy of the year award? The timing seems so wrong all of a sudden. I wonder how much of my urge to create another child was propelled by the fact that I had lost one. When I lost that baby I was not ready to be pregnant again, yet as soon as s/he was gone I felt so empty and that a child was exactly what was missing. I feel so foolish. I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful to anyone. I know so many of you are struggling so hard to become and /or stay pregnant, but this blog is about me. My selfish self!! I love and cherish my unborn son, but with so much going on right now I just wonder why I was in such a rush to get pregnnat again. I'm overwhelmed, overtired and feel totally useless. I know the sun will keep shining, I just wish a little would shine on my family. Maybe that's what Daniel will be, a ray of Hope for my family. Jacob already is.

Yuck!! Stomach Flu.

So I have won the championship in body fluid spewing contests. Thursday morning I came down with what I thought was a quick bout of the woogies. When I stepped out of the shower I ended up perched over the toilet heaving my entire stomach contents into the bowl. A side effect of this was an extreme involuntary tightening of my bladder causing me to piss down my nicely washed legs every time I wretched. All this while being patted on the back by Jacob who's worried little voice is asking OK? OK?
Well I cleaned myself up, got dressed and was about out the door to go to work when I felt the urge to purge from the other end. That said and done I figured off to work I go b/c I have duties and people are waiting for me. I felt like crap when I got there, but told the two girls I was meeting "the show must go on". So I fulfilled 2 hours of my work day by collecting blood and doing dissections. That done I decided that was enough for me and I was going home. By the time I got home I was a wreck. I was forced to place my bottom on the thrown while my head hung into a bucket. I went through three pair of sweatpants throughout the day as my wretching caught me off guard and I ended up with more than I bargained for. By the end of the evening I was begging Ethan to shoot me.
By Friday the wretching had finally subsided. Not so lucky in the back door department. Next time my dad is pissed and says "they shit the bed" I will know exactly how that feels. I'm giving you a lovely image of my wretchedness, aren't I? I did not go to work Friday either due to the fact that I was still being haunted by the squirts and I would completely exhaust myself by walking from one room to the other. Did I mention I had not been able to eat since Wednesday night? No wonder I was exhausted.
Well, now it's Saturday. I feel so much better. My back and ribs are killing me from all the muscle strain, but I successfully ate a bowl of cereal, a sandwhich and a bowl of soup. Oh and I've been living on Gatorade and ice pops. Unfortunately today Jacob is hurling body fluids and stinks to high heaven with just the tiniest amount of spew in his diaper. I hope this stomach flu passes quickly.
On a non-puking side note I was also out of work on Wednesday as I had 3 Dr. appointments to attend. The first was maternal fetal medicine and I had a NST there. I had mentioned the decline in fetal movement the day before. They hooked me up and there was a strong heartbeat, but the baby didn't move and when he finally did after 15 minutes they said he was non-reactive. So they jolted me full of sugar to get him going. Apparently it worked b/c 15 minutes later they said I could go. So off I went to my next appointment which involved a quick check of the heartbeat, a measurment of my uterus and a see you next week. And finally a 2 1/2 hour visit witht he opthamologist. I thought it was a waste, but I could only put off the docs on this issue for so long. So with the day done I had 3 good reports from 3 different docs. Now I am exhausted and must go put my feet up.