"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

So who came up with this crock of shit?. I hate this fucking line. I've been under a lot of stress the past few weeks, but luckily it is not affecting the bumpkin at all. So back to this crock of shit. Why exactly do I have to be stronger? I feel like I am alreadya pretty tough cookie. What the fuck does God have in store for me, if I'm being "prepped" to be even stronger? Can you tell I took a bitter pill tonight? So what is triggering my mood? Life, that's what. How fucked up and unfair it is. But "Life is not fair" - yeah, FUCK that cliche too!! Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for what I do have. I have a home (although it did burn down a year and a half ago), a loving husband, a beautiful son and another son on the way. In that sense my life is perfect, but I'm still angry. I am very angry with GOD. And the stupid catholic girl in me yells at God but then reminds Him that I am grateful for what I do just so he doesn't smite me and steal the only things in my life that mean anything to me, my husband and child. But that doesn't stop the anger. I'm mad that my brother is 45 and suffering from congestive heart failure. I'm so incredibly pissed off that my other brother was raped at age 5 and has never been able to move on with his life. I feel like he died then and all that is left is this depressed shell of a man. I hate the fact that my 3rd brother needs root canal and his mouth is infected, but because he can not come up with $1700 up front he is left to suffer and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help. I'm angry with the insurance company that is still dragging it's feet and hasn't paid us yet for our totaled truck. I hate the fact that we went to Ethan's parents for money to buy a replacement truck based on the fact that we would pay them right back as soon as the insurance came through and now we are in debt to them. I hate the fact that my parents have somehow put themself in a situation where they are now going to most likely lose their home. The home I grew up in.
The parents house issue is what set me off, but everything else has been building. I feel so aweful for my mom and step-dad. I can't believe they are really losing the house baring a miracle. My step-dad is 83 and does not deserve this. And they live in a small town and it will be published in the paper and I cannot imagine their humiliation. I hate it. They will leave town, but I don't know where they will be able to go where they can afford a place. And Ethan told his dad what was going on and his dad went off. He told E he had enough to take care of his family he couldn't start taking care of his wife's too. We never asked for help with my family. E's dad is a lawyer and E just thought he might have some advice. I have never asked for money from those people(other than to replace the truck, but I really thought we would be able to pay them back in a few weeks), although I have accepted it. I've scraped up enough money to pay them $1000 back for now. They'll have to wait until Ethan starts up his job again in April to get regular payments. Did I mention E is unemployed?
And you know what makes everything worse? I'm stuck wondering why we were trying to get pregnant so bad. Do I get the horrible mommy of the year award? The timing seems so wrong all of a sudden. I wonder how much of my urge to create another child was propelled by the fact that I had lost one. When I lost that baby I was not ready to be pregnant again, yet as soon as s/he was gone I felt so empty and that a child was exactly what was missing. I feel so foolish. I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful to anyone. I know so many of you are struggling so hard to become and /or stay pregnant, but this blog is about me. My selfish self!! I love and cherish my unborn son, but with so much going on right now I just wonder why I was in such a rush to get pregnnat again. I'm overwhelmed, overtired and feel totally useless. I know the sun will keep shining, I just wish a little would shine on my family. Maybe that's what Daniel will be, a ray of Hope for my family. Jacob already is.