I hate that I cry. A purging of the soul.
I hate that I cry. It feels like such a weakness to me. I don't cry at weddings or sad movies. I don't cry at funerals. I do cry, but I usually find a nice little hole to crawl into so no one has to witness that I am vunerable. The only person who I share that with is my husband. And things are not good there lately. I miss him so much. I treat him like shit though and keep pushing him away. Why the fuck am I doing this? I need him so much, but I can't ask him. I feel like I am breaking inside. Ethan and I just can't seem to get along. We've been together for 10 years so why now? Why do I feel like we are struggling so much in our marriage?
Did I mention that I hate that I cry? It leaves me feeling so raw. On the few occassions I have opened up and shared with people I have instantly regretted it and wished I could reverse time to take it all back. I feel like by opening up I am giving a piece of myself away. And I am OK with that when it is Ethan on the receiving end b/c I know he'll always give it back. But suddenly I find that I can't even share with him. I feel so lonely. Fuck lonely, I can deal with lonely. What I feel is alone.
I know alot of people see me as heartless. Why wouldn't they? My mom has said I am "cold". She also said I could find the one thing about a person that could hurt them most and then use it against them. She's right. I can. I don't know why I would do such awful things, other than I am a horrible person. Don't get me wrong, I come off as a good person, but inside I see what I am. I'm vindictive, mean, cruel, impatient and demanding. It's so hard. I've held the mirror up to myself on many occassions and this is what I have always seen, I guess I never shared it before. I tried once with Ethan, but he said I was being rediculous. Rediculous or not it is how I feel and I feel like he has had such a hard time loving me since I opened up.
Oh I am so sorry for anyone who actually read this. I will do my best to not go back and delete it. A little purging of the soul might be good for me.
posted by barb at 1:09 AM
5 Comments:
Barb, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Maybe it's partly due to the pregnancy hormones. I'm glad that you posted this. Sometimes it helps to open up and write down what you are feeling. I hope that things improve soon. I'm here if you ever need to unload or gripe. Sending you HUGE hugs from across the sea! SMILE!!
9:20 AM
I really think it is partly due to the pregnancy hormones that you are feeling so much more vulnerable. Let's face it. To open up to someone makes us vulnerable. I am sure it does not help any that your mom is being insensitive by saying that you are so cold. Words cut deep especially from family. Try and go easy on yourself right now. Your hormones are all over the field. I know cause I have been experiencing the hormonal rollercoaster more this pregnancy than ever before. (((hugs))) comin your way....
12:31 PM
Oh Barb... Please don't beat yourself up over this. Using the one thing that can hurt a person the most is not an uncommon trait. Frankily, I think most people do it. (myself included)
I also know that marital issues totally blow. What I used to do is tell myself that if I felt the angst against my hubby throughout my WHOLE cycle, then I'd do something about it. Rarely does it stick around that long, telling me that it was hormone related. In your case, you've got a long way to go until the end of your pregnancy (then the post-pregnancy hormone adjustment), so I really hope that the distance blows over soon. Remember - marriages ebb and flow. You might just be in a dip right now. It totally sucks and I wish I could do something to make it better. All I can do, though, is send you cyber hugs and wishes for a quick resolution.
6:23 AM
Big hugs, Barb. I know how you feel, too. Although I seem to cry at the drop of the hat since the first m/c, I've always hated showing emotion in front of ANYONE else, DH included sometimes. It does make us so vulnerable, and even though that's okay, it doesn't always feel okay. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now, but I know you are one strong bee-yatch, and you will get through this. Ethan loves you, I know he does, and it's okay to open up to him when and if you feel ready.
3:26 PM
I cry alot too. I think it's healthy sometimes and makes me human. I try never to apologize for who I am or what I feel and I'm trying to get over what other people may think. I can understand you not wanting to expose yourself to others- makes you vulnerable, but I think we need more vulnerable people in this world. Just my humble opinion.
12:51 PM
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