Happy Thanksgiving

Jacob was too busy playing to eat, although he seems to have taken the t-day tradition of unbuttoning your fly to a new level as he removes his pants completely.

Danny thoroughly enjoyed his Thanksgiving day feast. We couldn't get the food on his tray fast enough and I had to fight to get teh turkey leg away.

He was such a mess he ended up getting hosed off in the kitchen sink. LOL

Don't Make me Take you to Walmart to Beat You

Just kidding folks, I would NEVER hurt my kids. The title of this post although often said in a hushed whisper when the kids are driving me nuts (It's my comic relief to stress) really applies to the battered and bruised faces of my kids. You see, I am taking them in for their Christmas pics next week (the pic that will go on our Holiday card) and in perfect timing they have both injured themselves. With Danny it's a given that he will be bruised any and every day of the week. Unfortunately he is designed like his mama and bruises so easily. Add into the mix his lack of mad skills when cruising furniture and you get some nice knocks to the noggin. The poor kid, he'll be crawling and his arms will slip and as he lunges forward he always seems to be lined up with a door jam or chair leg or coffee table. I'm seriously thinking of purchasing a helemt.
Now Jacob on the other hand, rarely bruises. However, he is a daredevil and loves the thrillride. His daddy took him to a play gym and following suit of the "big kids" he chose to go down the slide on his belly (thankfully feet first). At some point he apparently hit his face and now has a wonderful swollen cut that has turned into a black eye. Let me tell you, I have a VAT of Neosporin in my home.
Initailly you might think I could face the kids so their markings are away from the photographers lens, but in the true spirit of the holidays, NO. Danny is bruised on the right(well truely both side, but there are more on the right) and Jacob has a shiner on the left. I think they would look silly staring at each other, but we'll see.
On a good note, Danny has given up the bink. Yay. This has been quite the month for him. He crawls, pulls himself up, cruises furniture and has given up the bink. Oh and we're off baby food. He just eats what we eat and boy oh boy does he just LOVE food!!
I'll post their pictures when I get them.

See what my guy did this weekend

Jacob went for a pony ride. His aunt and uncle took him to a b-day party for their nephew and Jacob was able to ride a pony. Apparently he had a ball and he loved the bunnies that they had too. He was so cute when he came home. The first thing he said was "horse" and then he started to clap. I love this little guy.

I'm squishing up my baby bumblebee....

won't my mommy be so proud of me (us)? Aren't we cute?

I miss my sistas.

I completely understand why so many people are shutting down their blogs. I understand that they cherish their privacy. I understand they have children to protect. I understand that the purpose of having a blog has been met and is now a thing of the past, but I still miss them. I miss Janet's humor and sensitivity. I miss Jen's love of animals and deep caring. I miss Cara's upbeat responses even though she is feeling low. I miss Christine's perspective of being a first time mommy. I miss seeing Katie's delight at seeing her son do so many new things for the first time. I hope they are all doing well and their journeys bring them happiness.

Still letting Danny CIO

Ugh, I would have thought the CIO would be better by now. It's been 2 weeks + and he's still screaming. I sing him the same song everynight while he gets a bottle an dthen it's off to bed. And he screams hysterically. Luckily last night it only went on for 15 minutes or so and then he must have fell asleep. He woke up 45 minutes later and started to cry again, but that time it only lasted 10 minutes. It's so hard to leave him in there, especially as Jacob is pulling my finger telling me "baby crying". I thought after 3-5 days they were suppose to "get it" amd fall asleep. Apparently Danny did not get the memo.
Oh and thanks for listening. I am feeling much better. I had heard on Monday adn Tuesday that 2 people I work with (in fact I trained them) got the job I applied to and hadn't even been interviewed for and I found it very disheartening. That was the thing "picking at my scab" and just talking has made me feel better. Luckily DH is home for the next 2 nights so I can reconnect with him.

I feel so ugly.

And I’m not talking about my reflection in the mirror, although that too is leaving something to be desired. I’m talking about me, my soul. I’ve been struggling with depression, but it’s not overwhelming so there’s no need to go get a prescription or anything like that. What I need is a friend. What I need is my best friend. She moved away a long time ago and although she is and will always be my best friend in my heart, the openness is no longer there. How can you pour out your deepest darkest secrets and fears over the phone? And when I see her (about once a year, thankfully she still visits me) how do I open all of the darkness to her then? I miss her deeply. I miss being able to pour out my soul to someone who will just listen. Someone who doesn’t try to offer suggestions or fix things. Someone I can cry in front of without feeling like I am weak. Oh God, I get this huge lump in my throat thinking about how lonely I am. I love my husband dearly, he is my soulmate. He treats me like no one has ever treated me before. He loves me not in spite of my flaws, but because of them. He is a wonderful man and I don’t want to take anything away from him with my inability to share with him. I can’t open up to him about everything. Our marriage is already under stress with finances, kids, schedules, sleep deprivation, lack of quality time together (heck, lack of any time together). I spend about an hour a day with him because we work opposite shifts and I miss him. I’m feeling very much like a single parent and I’m overwhelmed. I feel like I need to have a huge bawling session to make me feel better, but when would I have the time. I can’t cry in front of my kids, it would upset them so much.
And the result, I’m dying on the inside. I feel like I am festering. I am always angry. I am always tired. I am wounded. And any little event in my life is like picking at the scab. Even if it isn’t a big deal, it’s opening that wound and making my soul hurt and I can’t let anyone in my world know how much I hurt.
I’m pouring out my soul here, which is why I created this space right? Whether the world reads how scarred my heart has become or if no one does, this is my only path to freeing myself and I can’t be afraid of what others might think. I have been watching what I am becoming for years now. I listen to the things that I say, the way that I feel and realized I don’t like myself. I’m not the carefree fun person I used to be. I have become a grumpy old soul and that hurts. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the old me. The me of years ago. I want to be that person that doesn’t know first hand how hurtful and deceitful people can be. I want to be that girl who doesn’t know what it feels like to be blindsided. I want to be that girl that believes if you are a good person and if you work hard you will be rewarded.
I see that innocence in my children and I am so grateful for that. And then I see the way I act, the way I yell, the way I get depressed and I’m terrified that I am taking away their innocence long before their time.