I feel so ugly.

And I’m not talking about my reflection in the mirror, although that too is leaving something to be desired. I’m talking about me, my soul. I’ve been struggling with depression, but it’s not overwhelming so there’s no need to go get a prescription or anything like that. What I need is a friend. What I need is my best friend. She moved away a long time ago and although she is and will always be my best friend in my heart, the openness is no longer there. How can you pour out your deepest darkest secrets and fears over the phone? And when I see her (about once a year, thankfully she still visits me) how do I open all of the darkness to her then? I miss her deeply. I miss being able to pour out my soul to someone who will just listen. Someone who doesn’t try to offer suggestions or fix things. Someone I can cry in front of without feeling like I am weak. Oh God, I get this huge lump in my throat thinking about how lonely I am. I love my husband dearly, he is my soulmate. He treats me like no one has ever treated me before. He loves me not in spite of my flaws, but because of them. He is a wonderful man and I don’t want to take anything away from him with my inability to share with him. I can’t open up to him about everything. Our marriage is already under stress with finances, kids, schedules, sleep deprivation, lack of quality time together (heck, lack of any time together). I spend about an hour a day with him because we work opposite shifts and I miss him. I’m feeling very much like a single parent and I’m overwhelmed. I feel like I need to have a huge bawling session to make me feel better, but when would I have the time. I can’t cry in front of my kids, it would upset them so much.
And the result, I’m dying on the inside. I feel like I am festering. I am always angry. I am always tired. I am wounded. And any little event in my life is like picking at the scab. Even if it isn’t a big deal, it’s opening that wound and making my soul hurt and I can’t let anyone in my world know how much I hurt.
I’m pouring out my soul here, which is why I created this space right? Whether the world reads how scarred my heart has become or if no one does, this is my only path to freeing myself and I can’t be afraid of what others might think. I have been watching what I am becoming for years now. I listen to the things that I say, the way that I feel and realized I don’t like myself. I’m not the carefree fun person I used to be. I have become a grumpy old soul and that hurts. I don’t want to be like this. I want to be the old me. The me of years ago. I want to be that person that doesn’t know first hand how hurtful and deceitful people can be. I want to be that girl who doesn’t know what it feels like to be blindsided. I want to be that girl that believes if you are a good person and if you work hard you will be rewarded.
I see that innocence in my children and I am so grateful for that. And then I see the way I act, the way I yell, the way I get depressed and I’m terrified that I am taking away their innocence long before their time.