Head and Heart

So these two things do battle all of the time. I am a very logical person by nature and I hate when my heart rules. I struggle now as I find myself so angry. I am angry at God. I am angry at John. I am angry with myself. I lost the baby. I went in for my u/s and it was gone. My body let me down. My head tells me there must have been something wrong with the baby. This is natures way of housekeeping. It just wasn't viable. But my heart screams at me that it is not fair. My family has been through so much pain, why add this on top. Why do I have to keep going through so much pain. I just want a break from the hurt. Again my head pipes up and tells me to suck it up. I am strong. I will continue to be strong for my family. Life goes on. I am just so tired.

It's over.

At least I think it is. I am in what we think is my 9th week and I started to spot on Friday. It started brown and then went red. I am not cramping, but my uterus does feel very heavy and it keeps contracting. I am now spotting red with clots when I wipe. I have an u/s tomorrow morning to confirm. This sucks so much. It's also been one month since we lost John. How's that for honoring an anniversary. I want to curl up in bed and sleep until tomorrow, but I have to take care of the boys.