Calgon...Take me away!!!!!!!!!

So DS is turning me gray. This past weekend we were at SIL's for a back yard party. It was lots of fun with tons of people. My biggest task was chasing J. all over the yard to keep him from running across the pool cover. Not an easy task when you have a very active curious little boy. E. was not there to offer reinforcements (he had to work). Anyway, there was a family friend there who did help out bunches, so that was awesome.
Now onto the graying part. There were 2 candle stands on the deck I assume to keep bugs away. But they couldn't keep my curious little bug away. Nope. He ran right up to them while family friend was following him (I was about 2 steps behind). A nice man sitting near the candle stands with cat like reflexes grabbed the bases so J. could not knock them over. What no one was counting on was him grabbing up higher and giving them a vigorous shake. And what does shaken candle stands lead to? You got it! Hot candle wax spewing through the air!! Right onto my precious bean's face and arm. I grabbed him so fast and went running into the house to check him out. Thank God there were no burns. The candle wax had to travel down far enough to reach him that it had sufficient time to cool. Whew!! So we picked and scrubbed and got him wax free. Add 120 gray hairs here.
Lets fast forward to Wednesday evening. J. was hanging out at his grandparents (my IL's) and I was to pick him up around 5:30. Dinner would be made and I was welcome to stay and eat. So around 5:30 as we waited for Auntie to arrive, Grandpa played with J. He was hanging him upside down by his feet when his grip slipped. (Insert audible gasp here)
I heard the most horrific sound I had ever heard in my life. The sound of my son's skull making contact with the ceramic tile in the kitchen. I cry whenever I think about it. We of course rushed off to the ER where again Thank God he got a clean bill of health. None of us can figure out how he walked away without a skull fracture. He's my life and I thought I saw everything that my heart was disappear in an instant.
So I was thinking about how much I worry about this babe growing in me. How I hope my will alone is enough to make this baby grow and be strong. But it really is out of my hands. Right now this babe is in the safest place in the world and I wish that there was a place like that for me to envelop my beautiful J. in.

Pings, Pangs and contractions???

So yesterday was a wierd day for me. I think I experienced my first contractions of this pregnancy. I realize they are BH, but I thought it was too early to feel them. They started last evening with a very achy back. Then I would get menstrual like cramps and my abdomen would become very hard. My back ache would increase in intensity and then taper off. I did my best to convince myself they were nothing but today those demons have creeped in. What if something happened to the baby? What if my body is trying to expel it? I go to the doc Friday for my 14 week check-up, but until then I guess I get to worry. It may have been stress related because the day before my DS managed to splatter hot candle wax all over his face and arm (luckily he wasn't burned). But unfortunately I live in a world of what ifs and worse case scenario. It seems like I play all of the horrible things over and over in my head even when they turned out fine.
So now the countdown continues to Friday while I obsess over every twinge and pain. I'm taking it easy tonight. I had a physically stressful day today at work and I'm having some sharp pulling in my abdomen. Fingers crossed!!

The first 12 weeks.

Well the first trimester is almost over and this pregnancy so far has been so different than my son. I had absolutely no morning sickness this time. With J. I was sick as a dog and my hips started separating and becoming quite painful at this point. I almost don't even feel pregnant, which is both scary and a relief. It's a relief b/c I do not handle pregnancy well. Honestly I do not enjoy it, but I love my child so much how could I not go through this again to make a new life. The scary part is b/c I've had a few losses and now I wonder if this babe is ok. I had an u/s at 10 weeks and everything looked awesome so I should put my mind at ease. But as we all know, easier said than done. I thought I felt some flutters last week, possibly some very early movement?? But I haven't felt anything since. I know it's still so very very early.
On another note, I've really been struggling with depression. This is really knocking me for a loop b/c I've never experienced this before. I function and get through my day. I laugh and smile and do enjoy myself. However, I'm so frequently in a bad mood. I don't feel like me at all and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. I snap at my husband E. all of the time and I'm even short with J. which breaks my heart. Everyday E. asks me whats wrong? Why am I mad at him? What did he do? I keep trying to tell him it has nothing to do with him, it's me. I'm not myself right now and I don't know how to get back to the person I was. I'm hoping this wears off in the 2nd trimester. 9 months of this will be too much for my family to handle.

Introducing.....ME!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I sit, foolishly thinking I will try this blogger thing. I'm not sure if it will ever go anywhere or if I'll ever have a continuous thought, but it's worth a shot. I'm really hoping this will be some form of cheap therapy for me. I really feel like I losr myself somewhere along the way and I'm hoping to gain some control again. What do I think led me to my meltdown.....I'm currently in my 12th week of pregnancy after the birth of a healthy son, a m/c, another possible m/c (or chem. preg) and a chem preg. So there it is, "the nut" in a nutshell.