My little Acrobat.

This kid is too much. LOL!!! He flipped for my doc appt so he was head down. Yay!! I had told the doc I could tell he was head down. Well, 1 day later and he's back to breech. He just can't seem to make up his mind. I watched the alien forces extending my belly today and he is currently head down again. He is constantly flipping. Ethan says it's because he has so much more room than Jacob did. (I thought he was saying b/c this baby is going to be smaller than Jacob, but no he said it's because I got so big this time. He said my body really must have remembered what it was like to be pregnant.) I can't disagree, I am huge. Other preggo news, I think I have pica. I think all of the Tums I have been eating have blocked my iron absorbtion and that seems to be why I can't control or stop my ice eating adventures. I eat 30-50 ice cubes/day. I constantly want ice.
My 31 week appt. went well. Babe's hr was 130, my bp was 98/57 and I lost 2 lbs. In 6 weeks time my guy will be considered full term (37weeks) and I am thrilled. Just thought I would update.

ooooh, my last nerve!!

Oh my god!!! Yes this is going to be a complaining whiny post, but I can barely walk. My back and butt (well really it's my pelvic bones) are throbbing. I can barely walk. And tonight I've added severe pain to my right hip as I can't seem to get that leg into a comfortabl position. It's like I pinced a nerve or something. Yikes!! Do I hurt!! Other than my aches and pains, the little man is doing well. He's still breech but is extremely active. I watch the waves of my belly. Jacob just slaps at it. I have to keep this short. I can't sit to long in any one spot.

Holy crap!!!! I'm 29 weeks!!

Can you believe it. I can't. For some reason that I can't explain I seem to hit these markers in my pregnancy that make me think phew...I made it this far. This doesn't make sense to me b/c I never had a late term loss. My losses have been early. I either had chemicals or a loss by 6 weeks so why would I feel like each progressive week is a milestone. In reality, once I made it past 7 weeks shouldn't I have been able to take a deep breath and sighed a heavy relief. But no....I hold my breath at each and every week. Watch out 30 weeks...here I come!!!!
So I had my appointment. All is great! I got a lovely shot of rhogham in the arse. My BP is awesome. I was able to see Danny on the u/s again, he is weighing in at 3 lbs. He was breech during the u/s (she told me that's why I feel like he is so huge). An hour later when the doc checked me we could see him flip when by belly became very pointed. Within the next few hours he was back to being breech. So I have avery active little man in there. We talked a little about induction. Probably at 39 weeks if I can keep my sugars in control. So in less than 10 weeks I will hopefully be meeting my new son for the first time.
It must be real to me because we are dresser shopping for Jacob so that we can move the changing table/dresser into the nursery. I actually want to start pulling out the old baby clothes. Shocker, huh!!!
I'm still having BH and I found that sitting on hard tile is not a good option for me. I was helping install a pedastal sink and felt like the buggers head was right between my legs. So only soft sefaces for my tender ass from now on. LOL!!!

Thank You! I'm outta my funk...

And apparently just in time. So Monday morning Ethan and I were pretty much doing all we could to avoid each other. We were polite, but that was about it. Then right before we had to leave for work we started to talk, kissed, hugged and made up. There is alesson ladies. When I came home, E had taken Jacob to Jeepers and called me to let me know they were headed home. 15 minutes later he called, they were in a car accident. Nothing serious, but man was that enough to put things into perspective for me. I love my husband. I love my son and that is really all that matters.
The truck took some damage to the rear bumperand the front fender, but nothing too serious, that was until today. So the accident on Monday involved my hubby being stopped at a traffic light and being rearended from behind. This launched him forward into the next car. We called our insurance and they told us to turn it in on the guy who hit us when we get the police report in 3 days. Great. So here we are Thursday morning, with a nasty little snow storm and doesn't someone plow into Ethan truck from behind while it was parked on the side of the street. It looks like that just totaled the truck. F-U-C-K!!!!!! Our truck was a rebuild so it doesn't have much value. And now this. If it gets totaled there is no way we can afford to get a replacement for the amount of money they give us. At least nothing safe. I would like to hit rewind on the week. Anyone have the remote?

I hate that I cry. A purging of the soul.

I hate that I cry. It feels like such a weakness to me. I don't cry at weddings or sad movies. I don't cry at funerals. I do cry, but I usually find a nice little hole to crawl into so no one has to witness that I am vunerable. The only person who I share that with is my husband. And things are not good there lately. I miss him so much. I treat him like shit though and keep pushing him away. Why the fuck am I doing this? I need him so much, but I can't ask him. I feel like I am breaking inside. Ethan and I just can't seem to get along. We've been together for 10 years so why now? Why do I feel like we are struggling so much in our marriage?
Did I mention that I hate that I cry? It leaves me feeling so raw. On the few occassions I have opened up and shared with people I have instantly regretted it and wished I could reverse time to take it all back. I feel like by opening up I am giving a piece of myself away. And I am OK with that when it is Ethan on the receiving end b/c I know he'll always give it back. But suddenly I find that I can't even share with him. I feel so lonely. Fuck lonely, I can deal with lonely. What I feel is alone.
I know alot of people see me as heartless. Why wouldn't they? My mom has said I am "cold". She also said I could find the one thing about a person that could hurt them most and then use it against them. She's right. I can. I don't know why I would do such awful things, other than I am a horrible person. Don't get me wrong, I come off as a good person, but inside I see what I am. I'm vindictive, mean, cruel, impatient and demanding. It's so hard. I've held the mirror up to myself on many occassions and this is what I have always seen, I guess I never shared it before. I tried once with Ethan, but he said I was being rediculous. Rediculous or not it is how I feel and I feel like he has had such a hard time loving me since I opened up.
Oh I am so sorry for anyone who actually read this. I will do my best to not go back and delete it. A little purging of the soul might be good for me.