Tuesday October 9th.

(Please forgive me I had to copy and paste b/c I just couldn't write this out again).

This is a very hard post for me to write, which I think is why I have been putting it off. I have so much going on in my life right now and I am struggling to stay afloat. As far as I know the bean is doing well. I should be about 7 weeks and I have my 1st u/s on Nov. 12th.
About 11:30pm on Tuesday October 9th I got a phone call. Someone was screaming my name and I couldn't tell who it was. I started yelling who are you. It was my mom. I knew something terrible had happened. I started crying as I asked if it was Bud (my step-dad) or John (my brother). She sobbed it was John. He had shot himself. They were in route to the hospital. Ethan wasn't home and I had to call him at the bar to tell him to get home. About 10 mintues later my dad called me and told me John was gone. He was pronounced on October 10th. My heart broke. E got home and we called his parents to come watch the boys. I don't know what time we got to the hospital, 3am maybe? It was one of the longest rides of my life. They took us in to see him and that is the last image that seems to be stuck in my head of my brother, he was 35 years old and had the most beautiful soul and smile. I wish I had told him that.
It is so hard for me to imagine life without him. He came to my house every Thursday to watch my boys. He loved them so much and they in turn thought the world of him. Danny is still asking where Johnny is. We explained that he is in Heaven and is happy now with God, but little ones just don't understand this. The past few weeks have been a blur as I try to keep my mom going. I finally told her about the baby to try to give her some hope. I had planned on waiting until the u/s, so now I just have to pray that all is OK with the bean.
It's been so hard to watch the hurt on my brotehr Scott's heart and in my sis Angie. We are lost. Scott is in VA and Angie is in PA so I am the ony one close by enough to help out with my parents. I am not sleeping anymore. I started smoking (but am trying to stop). I don't know what else to say. This has been my life lately, I get through day by day. I keep praying this is the worst tragedy my family ever has to face. I don't know if I will ever get the sound of my mom or the image of John, lifeless, wounded, out of head. The Saturday before he died I was up visiting. When I left I did not hug him goodbye, when I went to he had already turned away. I shrugged and said, get you Thursday. I never got my Thursday.