I Froze.

For the first time ever with my kids I froze. I've always acted without thinking and am surprised at how fast I jump into action, but today..I froze. I came home early b/c I have a horrible sinus infection. FIL was here, but no MIL and no kids. FIL said no one was here when he got here so we assumed MIL took the kids to the park. That's not the point though. The point is FIL was concerned there was no parking in front of the house and we were keeping our eye out for them. I noticed them pull up across the street so FIL said he would go out and help. Well I went too. FIL started yelling for MIL to stay put and he would come across to help. Meanwhile MIL has Danny on her hip and Jacob at her side. Well MIL got distracted by FIL calling to her and Jacob must have seen "papa" so he started walking into teh road. This is a very busy road. We all started screaming for her to grab Jacob and then FIL ran into teh street and grabbed him. I just stood there with lead in my feet. Everyone is OK and as soon as FIL adn MIL left I had to go throw up. My heart stopped today. Poor Jacob was all upset b/c he doesn't understand why everyone was screaming at him. He's napping now.
Recently there has been some debates on the boards between Child free by choice women and mommies over the name "mombies". I had been putting a post together regarding what makes me what I am. My thought was that no matter what else I may be (career woman, wife, daughter,sister, etc.) one part of me always takes precedence...mom. It was asked how moms could say 'my kids are my whole life'. Well I'll tell you, I thought my life was going to end today because without my kids the rest just doesn't matter.

Jacob turned Three!!!

So my baby boy is 3. He actually turned 3 on the 6th. Can you believe it? For his birthday E and I took him to the circus. He was borderline old enough. He seemed to really enjoy parts of it (he loved the tigers) but at other times he became a little restless. He also enjoyed watching all of the people behind us. He's too cute.

After the circus we had family over to enjoy some cake with us. Jacob is a big fan of Buzz Lightyear, so we had a buzz cake. Danny looks really grumpy here, but I think he was just acting as guard to Jacob's newest loot.

And here is the Birthday Boy in a full on growl. He loves to growl. This one is his dinosaur growl. lol

 

BTW Brandy, Do you like the kids outfits? They fit well. Thank you.

All Grown Up

Finally!!! Again I say F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!!!! I feel all grown up. It may have taken E and I a little longer than some to reach this point, but it is happening. Although my carreer has been on track for several years, E's has not.  But all of that is changing now. I am thrilled for him and I will expand on that as soon as it is official.

What is official is that we are the newest homeowners of the property below. It's going to be ours. All ours. It is a gorgeous piece of property adn my boys are going to have a wonderful life here.  We walked in today and I felt home.

I should preface this with the fact that we had seen this placce from the outside a couple of times, but by the time we were able to get in to see it, it was gone. It had sold on day 1. Well after that we saw another property and I hemmed and hawed over it. On paper it was perfect, great school district, cul de sac, nice lot, etc. But it didn't feel like home. So I made us wait to long and by the time we put a bid on it we ended up in a bidding war and we didn't win. At first I said  'It wasn't meant to be' I kept putting my faith in the powers that be that HE would take care of us. Then I started to doubt. There were no homes matching our wants in our price range. (Of course there was alot of horrible stuff going on too). Then good news for E. Yay!!

We re-evalutaed our finances and strated looking in a different price range. I still wasn't seeing anything unless we strapped ourselves. Well last night I was depressed. I felt like it was my fault that we didn't get the 1st house. I was doubting we would ever find a house that wasn't too much for us. I went to bed sad and overwhelmed. Then E came running in. The house we loved from the outside....was back on the market. Can you believe it? I'll tell you faith slapped me in the face and said pay attention. So we went today to see the house. Basically, I went home.  And here it is. A 99 year old cottage on almost an acre of land.

The Cost of Day Care.

So I'm unsure whether the cost of my child care is going up or my willingness to pay for it has gone down. I do not pay for child care with the almighty $$$, instead I think I pay for it with my soul. Seriously, we have family watch our children and I AM DONE!! The price is too high. I am disrespected and my home is disrepected. The way it works is DH is home with the kids on Monday, great granny is here on Tues and Thurs, MIL or FIL on Wednesday and my mom on Friday. DH leaves for work at 1:30 and I am home at 4:30. So for 3 hours everyday I need a day care provider. This was the schedule that was put before us prior to Jacob's birth and since we were limited in funds it seemed like a good choice. Plus it meant my kids were in my home all day and I knew they were getting one on one attention. I have to say I haven't been overly thrilled with the attention MIL and FIL have been giving the boys. Now that summer is here iut is better, because they go out, but in the winter the IL's just watch TV while the kids entertain themselves. I would prefer they color with them or bake or DO something...anything. My mom, even though she is unreliable, interacts with them.
Do you want to know about the straw?? The straw that broke the fucking camel's back??
FIL is the biggest gaping asshole out there. I already posted that we lost the bid on the house, so E is feeling a little bummed already. FIL came over today and asked about it and when E said it fell through fucking FIL was happy. Ecstatic, might describe it better. He then proceded to tell my husband that he has a horrible job that doesn't support his family and he doesn't have retirement and blah blah blah. Nothing like telling your son he is a loser. FIL then went on to say they wouldn't drive out to provide daycare if we had bought hte home and had we thought about that. Well yes...we figured we would drive our kids to the sitters until we found a home day care center in our new town. (The new place would have been a 15 minute longer commute for FIL). He then said we couldn't afford it. Hello, I crunched numbers and yeah it was tight, but we actually were approved for 75k more than our top limit that we feel comfortable with. We even sat down with 2 different bank people and ran the numbers (we're looking at 19% of our gross to our home costs whereas 28% is normal, and our debt ratio is 22% as opposed to Joe Schmoe who is at 45%) We are not stupid people. I can't believe FIL would be such a dick as to throw away his realtionship with his son. This is not the first time he has insulted Ethan, but it will be the last time he does it in our home. The thinmg that kills me is that it crushed E. Crushed him. And E is the most agreeable of all of FIL's kids and all FIL can say is that M and N (E's siblings have state jobs so he doesn't have to worry about them).
So now I am in the search for a day care provider. I am willing to sell a kidney to get he money to pay for it just so we don't have to rely on FIL anymore. When I came home teoday he was oblivious to the fact that he was a jackass. I didn't say more than Thank You when he told me any info about the kids and when MIL asked if I had a bad day at work I told her NO. She said Oh you seem tense. I looked at her adn said I am tense and then I walked out of the room.
Did I mention that E spent all morning cleaning only to have FIL let the kids trash the place in the half hour that E was in the shower? This is common. When I come home on Wednesdays there are times I can't even walk in the door the place is so trashed. OK I'm done bitching at the moment.

An apology to my boys.

So I have a case of the ho-hums. I feel like nothing in life ever gives me a break adn I really don't want to hear about how there are so many people worse off than me. I know what I have and I am thankful for it, but I can have a bad day too.
We put a bid in on a house. A nice house. A house within our means. A house with country air and a safe neighborhood and a great school district. We didn't get it.
I feel like I should apologize to my boys. I already had envisioned them playing in the yard, getting to know the other kids in the neighborhood, playing little league down the street.
Instead, here we will stay for now. On a busy street in a shitty school district with noisy people living above us.
If this had been the first house to "get away" I may have more hope, but it is not. Unfortunately we do not have the budget that some others may have and in our price range whenever a safe nice home comes on the market it is very competative. Oh well. I need to go wallow in my gin.