A Letter to My Brother John

John,

Life has not been the same with you gone. It is hollow. I wish I had a way to turn back the hands of time, although I do not know how far I would go back. Would I go back to the night you pulled the trigger and beg you to stop? Would I go back to that last day I saw you and be able to get that final hug? Would I be able to see that longing in your face to reach out and talk to someone? Would I be able to figure out that you were in so much pain? Would I go back a year ago and make sure that I was a better sister to you? I am so sorry I didn’t include you more in my life. Life got hectic and I let it get away from me and you with it. I took your presence for granted; you were always just going to be there. Now I am heartbroken that you are gone. Would I go back a lifetime and be able to stop anyone from hurting you, from destroying your life? You were my big brother and you always kept me safe and I am so sorry I couldn’t do the same for you. You had the purest heart and you deserved so much more than the life you were handed. You should never have had to suffer so much pain.

It was always the 3 of us, Scott, John and Barbie. We were inseparable, only a year difference between each of us. You taught me all of my cuss words and made me practice on our walks to and from school. You used to practice “rescues” as you heaved me over your shoulder in a fireman’s carry. You were my childhood friend and my protector. I’m having a hard time finding the memories of us now. I know they are there and that they will come back, but right now all I find is anger when I think of you. I am so angry that you chose to steal your life away from us. Do you realize you took our mother with you? She is broken now. And I am left here trying to keep everyone afloat while I drown. Your nephew Jacob is afraid of death and dying now. He is only 4 years old; he shouldn’t have to grow up without his uncle. Did you realize what a big part of his life you were? And what about Danny? He would wait at the top of the stairs for you to arrive on Thursdays and scream Johnny, Johnny until you came in. He doesn’t wait for you anymore. He will only have the memories we share with him about you because you took your life away.

I still hear mom screaming my name on the phone that night. I still remember when Dad called to tell me you were gone. I can still hear our brother Scott sobbing on the other end of the phone. It was the longest drive I have ever had to make to get to the hospital to see you. It took me a long time to get my feet to move around that hospital curtain. I didn’t want to see you there, lifeless.

I know how painful your life was. I know that asshole stole your innocence when you were just a child. I know he did things that no one should ever do to anyone, let alone a little boy. I wish you had been able to find a way to peace without taking your life. So now you are gone and you took a piece of all of us with you. I know life will go on, but I don’t know how. It will never be the same. You were my brother and my friend and I miss you so much. I love you John and I am sorry.